What is “Vulnerability?”
What Does it Mean to be “Vulnerable”?
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt
I remember the first time I ever heard that word: Vulnerability. I was in the parking lot with my father who had just had extremely invasive back surgery and had to wear a brace all the time. He said to me, “It has been a long time since I have felt this vulnerable.” When I asked what he meant, he said, “I am used to feeling strong, like I could fight for myself and protect others. If someone tried to hurt me right now I would be too weak to fight back.” Thus began the association I had with vulnerability: that vulnerability is weakness, and that weakness is shameful. I think we have all had experiences like this that made us stray from being perceived as “less than” or “not strong enough”- experiences that made us throw the idea of being vulnerable out the window. But, let’s look at the actual definition of vulnerability versus the definition of weakness. In her book “Daring Greatly”, vulnerability and shame researcher Brene Brown writes, “The definition [of vulnerability] includes ‘capable of being wounded’ and ‘open to attack or damage’. Merriam-Webster defines weakness as the ‘inability to withstand attack or wounding” (Brown, 39).
These definitions in themselves are quite different. One is related to openness and the other to inability to be active in a situation. Later she goes on to define vulnerability in these ways: “I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure… [It] sounds like truth and feels like courage…to feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness…our rejection of vulnerability often stems from our associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment” (Brown, 33, 34, 39 Scary! Why on earth would I want to be vulnerable? The answer is: connection.
As human beings we have a primal desire to connect with others. This is why we smile at others on the street, why we have friends, significant others, and why we feel good about ourselves when we spend time with people we love. In her book, Brown claims, “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others; it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” But, connection is hard because it requires us to be vulnerable. In her article published in “Women in Therapy” entitled, “Valuing Vulnerability: New Definitions of Courage”, therapist and researcher Judith V. Jordan argues that, “In a dominant Western culture that celebrates strength in separation and holds unrealistic expectations for independent, autonomous functioning, vulnerability is seen as a handicap” (Jordan2008). Even though we as human beings desire to connect, we live in a culture that celebrates “going it alone”. So, how do we become vulnerable in order to connect? Brown says, “…we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability.” Easier said than done. Before we can be vulnerable and succeed in connecting to others, we must look at shame, one of the major enemies of vulnerability.
When I think about shame, my feelings are not towards my actions, but towards myself. I do not think “I have done something bad”, I think, “I am bad”. Shame is when you define yourself by your shortcomings. Brown defines shame as, “…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Right there is the reason that shame is so painful to human beings. When we feel shame, we feel that we are unable to connect with others. You may think that you do not experience this feeling, that you love yourself and the concept of shame is foreign to you. Like connection, shame is a primitive part of being human.
You may either accept that you experience shame or admit that you are a sociopath: that you lack empathy for others and have no ability to connect [Brown, 71]. Which sounds like the better option here? I know which I would choose. In her book, Brown writes, “We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us… If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame” [Brown, 61]. In order to obtain the connection we crave, we need to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable we need to develop habits in combatting shame. Before I get into developing those habits I want to speak on how different genders experience shame differently.
All genders have got it pretty bad when it comes to the societal standards they are required to live by. I want to look closely at how men and women experience shame specifically. As a woman, I agree with Brown’s analysis that “…we’re expected (and sometimes desire) to be perfect, yet we’re not allowed to look as if we’re working for it” (Brown, 87). We are primarily judged on three factors: how me look, our capacity for motherhood/womanhood, and perfection. A woman has to be many things: beautiful, not too thin yet not too big, must take care of others, be kind and considerate, want children, help those in need, never sweat, try to dress in clothes that flatter our figure, be desirable but God forbid if you’re too slutty…the list of unattainable attributes goes on and on.
The primary rule for men? Do not be seen as weak (Brown, 94). Author and blogger Mark Manson states from an excerpt from his book “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” published on his blog, “Many men, like you, and like me, were raised in such a way as to not express our emotions freely. For whatever reason — maybe our home situation, maybe childhood trauma, maybe our parents didn’t ever express their emotions either — we’ve grown up with habits embedded deeply into us to keep us stifled and bottled up. Don’t be controversial. Don’t be unique. Don’t do anything “crazy” or “stupid” or “selfish” (Manson, 2013). In this quote he owns up to the fact that men feel obligated to conceal emotion. Brene Brown goes on to state in her book that ”The attributes most attributed to the perfect man are, “winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-radiance, primacy of work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, pursuit of status” (Brown, 107). It is these expected attributes that hinder our capacity to be vulnerable with one another and establish the meaningful connection that we strive for.
The knowledge, or the feeling that we can relate to others, is called empathy and empathy is necessary in order to make connections. In her book, Leslie Jamison defines empathy: “Empathy comes from the Greek empatheia–em (into) and pathos (feeling)- a penetration, a kind of travel. It suggests that you enter another person’s pain as you would enter a different country…”(Jamison, 6). By this she means that it is not enough to go through the motions and ask the right questions, but to genuinely take interest and feel others’ pain as though it was your own. In essence, empathy helps us connect to people with honest intention. The opposite of empathy is disengagement. According to Brene Brown, “Disengagement is the issue underlying the majority of problems…we disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame, and feeling lost and without hope”(Brown, 176). Empathy is the answer when it comes to connecting to one another, and connection is what we strive to achieve in our lives.
If empathy is the answer to make connection, then what is the answer to achieving vulnerability? One can be vulnerable once they have combatted shame using what Brown likes to call “Shame Resilience Tactics”. She states four elements of shame resilience: “1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding its Triggers”. One can do this by recognizing the things that make them feel especially ashamed. Maybe you do not like when people talk about appearance, maybe you feel shame when you are put in a place of leadership because you feel you might fail. After you recognize what makes you feel ashamed, you must “2. Practice Critical Awareness” – recognize and halt the negative self-talk that comes with it, that is, the voice in you head that is telling you to run, to back out, and that you’re a loser. The next step is to reach out beyond yourself, “3. Reaching Out, Sharing and Connecting”. Extend your thoughts to others instead of focusing on yourself. Lastly, “4. Speaking Shame”. This is the scary part, where you admit what you are feeling, tell someone you trust that you are feeling shame, and ask for help (Brown, 75). Until we can claim our feelings and use them to reach out to others, we will continue to lack authentic connection.
Once a person is more or less resilient to shame, they will finally be faced with the new, scary feeling of vulnerability. But, because our bodies and souls are not privy to this feeling we tend to put up shields to combat the terrifying, chair-tipping-over-backwards feeling of being vulnerable. Common ways we do this include setting ourselves up for the worst, perfectionism, and numbing. In order to get through these learned tactics to achieve connection through vulnerability we must practice gratitude by appreciating what we have, being kind to ourselves and using positive self-talk, and allowing ourselves to feel the feelings we have instead of numbing ourselves with food, jam-packed schedules, or one too many beers. These behaviors were not learned in a few days, they were learned throughout a lifetime. Thus, it is important to remember to be kind to yourself as you teach yourself new and better ways to live.
I wish living a fuller life through connection and vulnerability could be achieved by following a 12-step program with guaranteed results. Like many over-achievers I tend to be more focused on the destination rather than on the journey. Unfortunately, this mindset will not work when it comes to bettering ourselves. It takes time to unlearn behaviors that have been engrained in us since childhood in a culture that promotes shame, surrounded by others who have not discovered how important it is to be vulnerable. It is not our fault. However, it is our responsibility to change our ways and create new paths for those that come after us so that they continue down a road that allows for more connection. I don’t think I would be exaggerating if I claimed that vulnerability, if practiced, would change the whole world significantly. When we are vulnerable, true connection happens. When true connection happens, there is better understanding, better communication, and a better life for everyone.
Works Cited
“Shame.” Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 22 May 2014. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame>.
Manson, Mark. “Power in Vulnerability.” Mark Manson. N.p., 22 May 2014. Web. 22 May 2014. <http://markmanson.net/power-in-vulnerability>.
Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York, NY: Gotham, 2012. Print.
Jamison, Leslie. The Empathy Exams: Essays. N.p.: n.p., n.d. Print.
LPC, Paul Dunion Ed.D. “Vulnerability as Empowerment.” The Huffington Post.
TheHuffingtonPost.com, 13 Apr. 2014. Web. 22 May 2014. <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-dunion-edd-lpc/post_7320_b_5112191.html>.
Jordan, Judith V. “Valuing Vulnerability: New Definitions of Courage.” Women & Therapy 31.2-4 (2008): 209-33. Web.
Roosevelt, Theodore. “Citizenship In a Republic.” (1910): n. pag. CalTech. Web. 22 May 2014. <http://design.caltech.edu/erik/Misc/Citizenship_in_a_Republic.pdf>.
Brown, Brené. “Home – Brene Brown.” Bren Brown. N.p., n.d. Web. 20 May 2014 <http://brenebrown.com/>.
“Home – The Daring Way.” The Daring Way. N.p., n.d. Web. 22 May 2014. <http://thedaringway.com/>.